Emotional Dissociation—Exposing the Dissociated Hero

I was just asked the question of whether it should be explained to the dissociated hero the motivations that lead her to be cold and unfeeling in her relationships.  My reader had found my essay on dissociated heroes and discovered that his girlfriend could be described as one.  Especially in a break up situation, explaining what is wrong with the hero is probably a bad idea.  While it can be a relief to discover the motivations behind a person’s actions, especially when that person has hurt or aggravated us, we have to remember that people are defended for a reason.  To forcibly break down those defenses is in some ways very cruel.

Of course, most Empaths are not attempting cruelty, they are attempting to bring clarity.  Empaths, who are very attached to clarity and authenticity and so tend to listen carefully to others’ observations of them, have a tendency not to see that their efforts at explaining the faults of another when unasked are seen as an attack rather than as a help by the average person, and by the dissociated hero in particular.  If a break up has already occurred, chances are that the defended hero is not interested in learning more or becoming more self-aware.  Questions to ask before attempting to educate a former mate or best friend are, “Is this person aware of the affect her actions have on others, or does she react based upon how she believes the person should react according to his role?” “Does she normally just want to move onward and forward without looking back at the past?”   The answers to these questions will reveal how disconnected the Hero is from her inner self.  The more disonnected, the worse an explanation will be received. 

Most dissociated heroes are not interested in becoming self-aware.  That very self-awareness points them in the direction of their inner feelings of unworthiness.  If the Empath or the unwitting person decides to inform the dissociated hero of what motivates her, the Empath is likely to be attacked or even completely ignored in return.  If the Empath doesn’t mind the verbal and psychic abuse likely to head her way, konking the dissociated hero on the head with unwanted knowledge can be a sufficient release of frustration, and also has the added benefit in that the Empath can assuage any feelings of having not done enough to save the relationship.

Perhaps in some cases a revelation might be helpful.  I have found this only to be true if the other, when not under stress, has committed to a lifetime of personal growth, and understands the challenges, AND when under stress walks his/her talk.  Even those that do commit to growth can reach their limits and simply may not be able to see past their own defenses.  This applies to all of us, not just dissociated Heroes.  Growth happens in its own time, and usually it happens most gracefully with the consent and inquiry of the one undertaking the growth.  So, as long as my reader is ready to take the consequences, it may be worth it to him to attempt to educate the Hero.

I have to say, though, that when I was involved with a dissociated Hero, my attempts to educate her led to the break up of not just our friendship, but several other relationships in our group of mutual friends as well.  Not only that, but the information I gave the Hero fell on deaf ears in that years later she asked for my help in getting out the same sort of dramatic situation Heroes tend to create that I had complained of.  At the time her request for help was mindboggling, but that is how disconnected from reality dissociated Heroes can be.  People really do learn in their own time and sometimes not even with help, and not even with cold hard experience. 

Let me know if you have further questions or comments on this topic.  I know this is a hot one for Empaths, who are driven to be authentic and truthful, and fix whatever needs fixing.  Sometimes the motto to follow is to cause the least harm and let others to their own paths without our input, especially when it has been made clear that it is not wanted or valued.  Sometimes that entails simply cutting our losses and walking away, without the reconciliation and the understanding we might want, or they might want, given that we’ll suffer damage by staying in the relationship.

 

This entry was posted in Boundaries, Drama Triangle, Emotional Dissociation, Emotions, Empathy, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Emotional Dissociation—Exposing the Dissociated Hero

  1. TheDevoted says:

    Hi Eliane and thank you for your time and insight. I would love for my experience to help others who may be completely devastated & confused like I am. If I may go into some more detail and offer my understanding.

    I did have doubts about my message getting through to her since the last conversations that I had with her didn’t work very well at first. No matter what heart wrenching words I threw at her they bounced right off whether it was her notes that were so hard to read to her over the phone or the plans we had coming up that she was excited about only the day before breaking up with me. What she had told me was that she was not the same person that I fell in love with, that she was dead inside and felt nothing for me anymore, and that she did not know what happened. She said that I had always been great and she has no regrets.

    However, eventually something did give way when she heard me cry over the phone. She cried uncontrollably, so I know that deep down she still feels for me. The thing is, she knew about her ability to “shut off her emotions”. She told me about it before when she thought that I was breaking up with her and broke down in tears in my arms. I told her to stop hiding her feelings and that it was not good for her. Now, prior to this she also had told me that she had been sexually abused, so I made a connection between the two.

    Another point about her living situation; we are both still very young. She is adopted. She is a senor in high school and lives at home with five sibling(whom she does most of the caring for) and a detached mother who criticizes her daughter more than praises her. She is not a normal teenager; she works non-stop, at school and home, always trying to appease her mother’s sky high expectaions. You can’t do all of this with emotional baggage.

    Here is how I now understand it all. Now is the most stressfull point in her life applying for colleges, keeping up impeccable grades, and a lot more. Having said all of this, explaining her dissociation to her would probably be a futile attempt as her life is stressed to the limit. She told me the night she called to break up that she thought about telling me all day and she couldn’t concentrate on her work at school. I think a mechanism occured where she shut off feeling for me so that she could continue her life.

    Let me be blunt; I fell in love with this girl and still am in love, there is no doubt. I care for her and want to do anything within my power to help her because I know she needs it. It is very difficult to know that the person I love just dissipated into nothingness. So finally, here are some questions:

    1. She told me she still wants to keep in touch. Would continually showing how distraught I am matter to a dissociated hero at all or would acting like it was just another relationship be better? What would the best route be for me in showing a dissociated hero how I am dealing with this incident?

    2. She cried for me, still wears my promise ring and wants to keep in touch. I don’t want to cut my losses and move on(of course). She is not completely gone, but I feel that time is of the essence. I don’t think she ever learned to deal with her dark emotions and now she is completely losing the ability to feel even for me. Could she get worse over time until she is completely lost or will she eventually reach a breaking point?

    3. I have said that in the past she was aware of her ability to dissociate. Would this be a factor in revealing it to her now?

    Sorry for the length but I am truly at a loss and you seem very seasoned in your experience with the dissociated and those who have developed psychic numbing.

    Again, thank you Elaine

  2. Administrator says:

    Hi Devoted,

    It sounds like you are both at the point in your lives where you are stepping into adulthood. This is a very fragile time. I see a lot of soul loss at this point for many of my clients who come to work with me. However, the most soul loss for dissociated heroes happens in babyhood and childhood.

    From what you describe, your girlfriend has suffered a lot of soul loss, and she’s just barely holding things together as it is. It is most likely NOT a safe time for her to go through a major spiritual crisis if she doesn’t have the support around her to help her navigate it. Even if she does have the support it is up to HER to go on that journey.

    I know that you want to help, and that you deeply care for her. But be careful about falling into the Rescue Role and creating Drama around your relationship. Rescuers end up paying most of the cost in Drama, and they tend to be unappreciated later. Or, they Rescue with string attached, expecting a certain outcome.

    From what you describe, she must dissociate in order to handle her life right now. Perhaps once she gets through this trying and stressful time she’ll have the space to deal with her defense mechanism of dissociating emotionally. But, that defense mechanism just may be preventing her from going over the edge—in other words, at this time, it may be a good thing for her to dissociate.

    Rescuers always want to help, but they do too much in their helping (usually do more than the Victim wants to put in) In some cases Rescuers act manipulatively. Be careful here, Devoted. Do not use emotional manipulation to force your girlfriend into a course of action that you believe to be good for her. That is what the shaman calls unethical behavior (sorcery)

    Continually showing how distraught you are sounds to me like you are expecting her to change her behavior in order to make YOU not distraught. Be distraught if you are distraught, but don’t amp it up or milk it. And example of milking it would be, “I am so afraid for you, so confused, so worried that you are slipping away, ***doesn’t it matter to you how I feel?***”. Watch out for making the common mistake of emotional blackmail—you could make her feel totally responsible for your emotional state and then just be another source of pressure for her, when she’s already under a ton of pressure. People who do this think they are forging a deeper connection when in actuality the other person feels smothered.

    Acting like it is just another relationship is also not correct, since this isn’t just another relationship to you, this is a very significant one, perhaps your first serious love relationship.

    So, how about honesty on all levels instead? Feel what you feel, express what you feel, without expecting her to fix it; in other words, without your being attached to a certain outcome. I understand the outcome you want is for her to get better, and for the both of you to be together, but that is not up to just you.

    You may not want to hear this, but take the focus off your girlfriend for a moment and instead ask yourself some serious questions. Am I behaving like a Rescuer? Am I stuck in Drama (see other entries in the blog around Drama for more information) Do I want a certain outcome so badly that I am willing to force her into a course of action that she doesn’t want to take? Am I making the decision on what is good for her rather than letting her make her own discovery? Am I willing to let her go on her own soul’s journey and heal her wounds in her own time? Am I willing to look at my own soul’s journey instead of being so attached to hers? What is it about me that needs to pressure her to the point of breaking down her defenses when I know she’s already at her limit? Who taught me that emotional pressure was a valid course of action? What has led me to hang on to her so tightly that I might be another burden?

    Once you get all those questions sorted out, and you get yourself off the Drama Triangle, I think you’ll be able to judge your situation better. The keys to remember are, Your girlfriend is in charge of her own life and can and will do what she wants. The same goes for you. Honor free will, be careful of manipulation of any kind, be careful of wanting to fix another, even a lover, and remember, whenever we see a problem that needs fixing in a lover, it’s always a good idea to turn the attention back to the self and take a hard look at our motivations. It seems to be a universal truth that we fall in love with people who are just as wounded as we are, so keep that in mind. You can see your girl friends wounds—have you dealt with yours?

    Hey, and it’s OK to come out of this with a completely broken heart. It might be huge healing for you to let your heart be broken without having to put it back together again. I know you don’t want to hear that, but people who truly love let their hearts be broken over and over. What happens is that their capacity for love becomes greater and greater. With love, a lover never does what we would like them to do 100% of the time. It is a risky business, never guaranteed.

    However, falling into a deep love relationship with a Hero is a predictably risky undertaking because of the painful withdrawal of the Hero when stressful events happen, and if the Hero is really unhealthy, the acting out of the Shadow side through Drama. That is another lesson to take with you.

    I know this is very hard to hear, but I hope it helps.
    much love and support,
    Elaine

  3. peaceful says:

    I can relate to alot of what your saying. My boyfriend is very much emotionally dissociated and am very much an empath. Do you think there is any way to make a relationship work while we are going through all this? He is unwilling change his ways but I see what your saying about trying to fix things and show them their faults and how that doesnt work. I AM not willing to give up on the relationship just yet however I dont want it to consume me. Any advice in how to cope without throwing it all alway? Thank You. I am loving this site its very enlightning.

    • Elaine says:

      Hi Peaceful,

      Can you give me a little more information on how you are being consumed in your relationship? What are the benefits to you in staying with your boyfriend? What are the drawbacks? One of the common traps for Empaths is to fall into a Role with their partner in which they take on the expectations of the other without considering their own needs and emotional health. In the long run this doesn’t work for the Empath, and most Empaths end up leaving, end up drained, and can end up bitter and resentful that they wasted so much of their life force in the relationship. For Empaths it is important that we are seen, that we are being related to as ourselves, as individuals, as people. Especially for Dissociated Heroes they tend to see others as Objects in relation to themselves, depending on their emotional health. The more unhealthy they are, the more narcissistic they are, and the less able they are to have a true connection with others. So, for you, I’d ask yourself how much of that is in play, what you are willing to live with, and what you really want in a partnership. It may be that your relationship is just fine and that you are getting your need for connection met just fine. After all, all of us are on Journey, learning lessons, gaining experience–we are all works in progress. Just make sure your partner can grow with you, and if not, that you are willing to either curb your growth in staying with him, or willing to grow away from him when the time comes. Truly, there is no wrong answer here, just different choices based on what will bring you the most happiness and fulfillment. As for not being consumed, be conscious of how much emotional processing you do for the relationship and what role playing you are willing to take on. Come back to your essential self everyday and make sure you are connected to your self. If being connected to your true self and your essence is allowed and is encouraged, then that is a great sign.

    • Mary says:

      I am wondering if you are still responding to this site. I am in tears reading “peaceful”‘s questions and your response. I am in the exact same space. I am 50 years old and in a “relationship” with a man who has significant trauma…911 trauma and other military trauma…he is also in recovery for substance abuse. I truly believe that God placed each of us in each other’s lives…there were some very “coincidental” experiences of how we came to be together. I can say I love him. I want to give him my love but he is exactly as you say…feeling that he is unable to have a true connection in an intimate way right now. He feels that he has many other things to work on in his life and states that he feels “overwhelmed and unsure”. But then he pulls me toward him telling me how wonderful I am and how important I am in his life. He can express this, but then cries to me that he doesn’t want me to leave. But then I can actually see his expression change and he pulls away emotionally. I am willing to give him space and hold him in my heart. I just ask that he give me some commitment to time every week. He tends to live very scattered and we end up spending time together (usually a couple of times a week) but almost never planned…just what ends up working out. I feel guilty asking for scheduled time, but I feel it is what I need. Is it too much to ask for this for someone who has had so much trauma? I tell myself to just be patient and wait. We have not been together very long…2 months. I hear that pushing someone who is dissociated is dangerous and I don’t want to push him away. But I need to take care of me too.

      • Mary says:

        I am reading more and feeling amazed at how similar these relationships are…Damn…is this hopeless? He wrote me a 4 page letter today telling me how he is feeling and how he loves the way we can talk to each other and how much he loves spending time with me…and then how he is unsure if he can be in a relationship. God, I don’t want to end up like the person above…watching our relationship slowly disappear. That is just too sad and scary. Is there hope? Have any of these relationships worked out?

        • Elaine says:

          Hi Mary,

          It sounds like your relationship is still very new, only two months old. Empaths tend to fall in love hard and fast and bind ourselves to people that need us more than they can truly reciprocrate. You have already stated that this man has major trauma to sort through. It is important that he gets the professional help that he needs and that he is committed to getting well. You should listen to what he says about his uncertainty about being able to be a full partner in a relationship. He is telling you from the get-go what you are embracing. He may love you, you may love him, but he may not be able to act on that love in the way that you want or need. He may not be emotionally together enough to be able to be a full adult in your relationship. It is your decision whether to choose to follow through, just be aware what you are choosing so that you do not blame yourself or him later if things do not go as you might wish. Be conscious that you are choosing a wounded person that needs to walk through the fire of his own healing process–if you are his partner through that, you are liable to get singed or even burned. But that is YOUR choice. No matter what you decide, it is a valid choice either way.

          best of luck to you!
          Elaine

          • Mary says:

            Oh my…thank you Elaine! I truly appreciate your response! And I hear what you are saying. I am a psychotherapist (and he is actually a counselor too) so we both have insight. He has been in therapy for 8 years and is also in recovery and a Vipassana practitioner (as am I). So…he is doing lots of work, as am I in my life. That is one reason I feel that I want to stay with him…that good will come if I am patient. But I guess I need to know if people really heal from this. I have not treated DID directly. I also need to know if asking him for specific scheduling is too much…just a weekend night regularly together. I keep feeling like this is important to me…but maybe that is just my own business to work through. I really read what you told Devoted above and it really pertains to me…work on my own stuff. I have been through 2 marriages which both ended in extra-marital affairs and a lot of hurt. I don’t ever want to go through that again…the worst pain imaginable.

            I feel good that I began to write him an email last night asking about the scheduling and after reading this site, backed out and just sent him a note letting him know that I honored, valued and will hold his needs that he wrote about in his letter in my heart. I think he just needs to hear that.

            Can you advise further about the pushing to “schedule”? I am thinking that I should I just be patient with this as well. I think I can do it if I am really focused on making plans for myself. I have many friends and activities that I can be more focused on. I also really want to know your thoughts on healing. I believe (and of course this is part of my Empath issue, right) that I can be part of that healing and believe, even from his words, that I already have.

            I am thinking that your book would be helpful. I am also looking into online support groups for people in relationships with people with DID.

            Thank you again!!!

  4. Elaine says:

    Hi Mary,

    Yes, the key is to focus on YOUR OWN healing, not his. That is his job, never ever ever yours!!!! Take resposibility for you, your feelings, your needs, your life. Let him take responsibility for his. It sounds like he is doing all the right things by being in recovery. But it also sounds like he has a long way to go. He needs to focus on himself, and he needs a professional to help him through that. A professional will allow him space and will not ask him to meet her needs. He will not be under the burden to reciprocate. That way he is truly safe, he can focus just on himself, and he can lean on someone who knows how to hold the space for him. He’d probably benefit from Soul Retrieval and other Underworld Work (See the energywork descriptions, and I’ve written an Ebook on typical wounds that can be healed and helped along) Shamanic Energywork is extremely helpful is dealing with trauma and post traumatic stress.

    I think it is also a good idea to ask yourself why you are asking a man, a man who has already told you his limits, for more than he is able to give. That is where your personal exploration should begin. What was the dynamic in your previous two marriages? Did you care take them in the hopes that they might give you something, even if it were just small, back? Take a look at the Giving Persona essay under the resources page and see if it sounds familiar. I’m sure you already know that the best partnerships come from two empowered people that don’t need each other but enhance each other. Serving each other is part of the relationship, but it is not all of the relationship.

    I caution you in getting attached to being a part of his healing. That is really his business. It sounds very very close to falling into a Rescuer Role. Empaths do that all the time, and then we pay a cost for it. If you aren’t familiar with the Archetypal Drama Triangle, I’d read that ebook along with the shamanic energywork ebook just so you get an understanding of what you are stepping into.

    Most importantly, the focus should be on YOU. Once you are scheduled on his calendar, then what? Is that enough for you? Is once a week enough? Will you ask for more? What is your motivation? If it is truly that you just want to spend time with someone you enjoy, then sure, there is nothing pushy about asking for a date. However, the key is he has to be allowed to say no. You must be able to deal with your dissappointment if he says no. If you are horribly disappointed at the prospect of him turning you down, then definitely definitely take this issue to a shaman so the shaman can help you figure out what is really driving you. Feeling this bound up, this emotionally entangled after just a few months is usually a sign that some deeper wound is being triggered, usually by both people involved.

    Your question on whether such a relationship works out: No. It never does if the people involved don’t do their personal work. If both people do not addresss their wounds while in the relationship, if the status quo remains the same, then it is a predictable outcome that these relationships end with the Dissociated person pushing away the Empath. The Empath usually winds up feeling used and drained. However, in your case, your man is telling you from the start where he stands. So, like I said before: Be Conscious of what you are choosing, and of the power of this archetypal relationship. Yes, if he embarks on his healing, things could be different, but that is not up to you. You should not count on it. You will put extra pressure on him and the relationship if you do.

    A better way to move forward is to focus on your own healing, with the question of why you are attracted to such a deeply wounded man. You know all the wonderful reasons you love this man–now it is time to explore the Shadow side of yourself and your relationship with the opposite sex. Take a look at all of your previous relationships and see if you can see a theme or pattern.

    Most importantly, treat yourself and him well. Loving and caring for a fellow adult means that you allow him to go about his Soul’s Journey any way he cares to. Step out of the way if he is about to hurt you, but other than that, don’t interfere. Honor his requests if you can. This man has said he’s not ready for a relationship with you. I’d respect that. I’d believe him.

    I wish you the best of luck!!!
    much love,
    Elaine

  5. Confused and hurt says:

    Hi,

    I am so shocked to read what you write about emotionally dissociated people, it makes me cry.
    My story is long so I try to shorten it (English is not my native language, so sorry for the errors.
    I got divorced 7 months ago and am now in my new house since 6 months. I am 50 years old, met my ex when I was 26. Was with him for 2 year, he broke up with me (he fell for somebody else). 5,5 year later he called me, this was the love of my live, so I had to try again. we were a couple for 11 years with our own homes, bought a house together and got married, After 4 years in the house, him being away 4 days a week abroad for his work, he just told me he wanted a divorce. I was completely surprised, I have been complaining for years about that I felt I had to do it all alone and was not happy myself, but would never have left him. he agreed to go with me in therapy (EFT). at the start I thought this was it, but quickly he got lost in the emotions that were surfacing. The therapist said he was emotionally disassociated and he expected that it has started at a very young age. He telling my ex that he should not get divorced, because the story would repeat itself with any other woman after a certain number of years and that he saw we loved each other a lot, so he had the best change to solve with me besides hem. Despite all the advice, I did see that my ex got completely overwhelmed by what he started to feel, even things that had noting to do with me, but were from his childhood.
    He got lost and stopped the therapy and our marriage. I still was in our house for 4,5 months and we did not talk about us anymore, in the middle of the divorce my father died on a Saturday why nothing was wrong with me. So since then I have been very busy with a new house, the divorce, moving myself, getting the big house of my parents empty and moving my mother to a new house, this all has now been done a couple of weeks ago. I have succeeded in this survival race. Now I very sudden i am in the emotional part of this, am crying all the time. I need to let my love for him go, but I do not know how. He is in therapy for 8 months now himself, but he can get me out of his system, we have very little contact, but if we do, i can feel that we still love each other and both do not know how to let go.
    His new therapist also has made the diagnose emotionally dissociated.
    I just started reading your articles, and when I read that he had me to process his emotions for all these years, I can imagine why he can not get my out of his system.
    I must say that I recognize a lot, he does not understand what I am saying, he keeps saying that he can not understand why I have been so nasty to him. Even when I try to tell him what all these years with him have done to me, because he never could hear my grieve. The EFT therapist says that I had finally given up trying the last 2 years of our marriage , it is no coincidence that around that time he had an affair at work (4 days a week abroad), which I learned about much later.
    Now, my question is: Hoe do I lose this grieve about the loss of him in my live. I feel that because of him cutting everything of, we have a lot of emotions that are not dealt with. I suggested to have some sessions together, maybe with his therapist. But after reading your articles I am not so sure what to do.
    Should I also read your e-book? because the fact that I know he is disassociated clarified a lot for me from the last 23 years.
    I also can not understand from myself how I can have been with him for so long and loose myself a bit and I only thought he was just a harsh person not very good in talking about emotions.
    I recognize everything about what you write about that these persons do the job that nobody else can handle and he is proud that they say ” another impossible job” that nobody else can do. I actually think he could have done these kind off jobs because of me and it also has costed us our relationship.
    I must admit, that I think he made a mistake and I would have wanted to stay with him, but I now wonder if that is giving up myself and will never work (at least not for some years).

    What should i do (for me)
    I hope you can give me some advice.

    • Elaine says:

      Hi Confused and Hurt,

      I’m so sorry that you and your ex-husband are going through such a traumatic time. If two therapists have told your husband that he is emotionally dissociated, then he’s most likely experienced significant soul loss. You can read about soul loss, soul retrieval, and shamanic energywork on my website. I also have an ebook about shamanic energywork as well.

      While this may be difficult to accept, you cannot fix your husband. That is his job. All you can do is fix yourself, and do your own personal work. Your work should focus on what you have gotten out of this relationship. Why would you pick someone you believed was harsh? Why would you stay with someone that was unfaithful? (it is very common for ED Heroes to have affairs) Something besides love is motivating you here–this is where you want to explore.

      Empaths tend to get into fixer-upper relationships. We also tend to pick highly competent people who are competent for the hidden motivation that achieving helps distract them from their feelings. Empaths then fall into the role of taking care of the emotional energy of the entire relationship, or even a whole group. You must ask yourself if you are willing to give up emotionally caretaking everyone else and focus just on you and what is good for just you.

      I really don’t think you should concentrate on giving up your love for your ex-husband or your grief. Your love is not the problem, the emotional entanglement is what is causing you the suffering. Grief at a failed relationship is normal and is to be expected. To move through these emotions you must allow them. Let them be there–they are completely normal and expected. Honor yourself for having them. Let your heart be completely broken–your husband is ill because he could not allow these tough emotions.

      You can do some simple ceremony to disentangle yourself from processing his emotions, including sending whatever is his back to him on a long exhale, or lighting a candle and burning a piece of paper releasing you from that pattern. This will help separate you on the Mythic plane. (See my ebboks for more explanation) However, what is most important here is the lesson your Soul wants you to learn. Would you repeat this same relationship with someone else? What are your patterns? Do you know the Empath’s typical blindspots?

      Really, the focus should be on yourself, helping yourself through your grief, honoring your relationship, learning what you can about your inner world, and healing whatever wounds you may have that led you to choose such a wounded partner. That is where your focus should be–on you and your own healing, either with a therapist or with a shaman, or however best fits you.

      let me know if you have more questions.
      much love,
      Elaine

  6. Jessie says:

    Hi,

    As many of the comments above have said….Im shocked to see stories just like mine..didnt think anyone else had these problems.My name Is Jessie I’m 23yrs old and i’m the emotionally dissociated one, My bf is an Empath. We have had a couple talks with him telling me basically what he thought i should work on, i was aware of my dissociation before i met him so i was able to give him a heads up.And I always think im getting better improving….just to find out a week later that there hadnt been a change…i sat down and tried to focus on the things i thought i was working on and saw it myself that there had been no change. I cant fully say I love him…I know I feel comfortable around him most of the time he makes me feel safe and im attracted to him…is that love ? He’s taken on alot of responsibility in the nurturing of my kids..And hes trying to hold everything together and “fix” me but its slowly destroying him….I dont wan’t to hurt him but also dont want to lose the one person that’s trying to help me and is a great step dad..along with making me feel safe. What can I do?

    • Elaine says:

      Hi Jessie,

      Give yourself credit that you know that you are emotionally dissociated!! This is the first step in healing–knowing that you have a problem that you alone are responsible for fixing. The best suggestion I have for you is to go to a shaman that specializes in Soul Retrieval so that you can get that part of you back that has left, leaving you dissociated. You need that Soul Part back that allows you to feel. This is big healing work, and it can be tumultous and painful to go through, but I highly encourage you to do it, especially since you are a parent. You want to be there fully for your kids! Please visit my homepage for a few names of shaman that I highly recommend. Sending love and hugs, and wishing you the best of luck!!

      Elaine

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