I offer pay-by-the week email coaching for $25 per week. The email support does NOT include energy work.
I work with email clients Monday through Thursday, with emails that arrive on Thursday evening answered on Friday. Clients may ask any question, and can expect at least one email per day. If you would like to work with me via email, just contact me the weekend before, and if I have availability, I usually can fit new clients in. Email coaching is a good way to see if shamanic energy work sessions are a good fit, and a good way to build a relationship before committing to more expensive phone sessions.
I am happy to answer questions for free if you post your follow up questions on my blog.
Firstly my apologies, I don’t mean to put to much to you all at once.
I just recently made a reply comment on the thread of withdrawal pattern of intuative introverts which is waiting for approval. However I just had this feeling which I couldn’t ignore at 3.58am my time (haha sound familiar?). I feel as though its important for me to describe to you what it idissout me that leads me to conclude I am in fact an empath and hopefully that will enable you to see how I sniffed my way here and why I feel I need guidance so much. My bullet point summary is as follows:
1. I suffered severe psychological abuse from my fathers 2nd wife between the ages of 2 to 12. Relentless and causing me untold pain and emotional distress.
2. I have always been extremely observant in both physical and emotional terms.
3. I can sense, feel, tune into and project my feelings onto all people whether that be a particular crowd of people or 1 on 1.
4. I have been described on endless occasion as being hypersensitive or “too sensitive”.
5. I have a very complex personality, I am often anxious or nervous for no reason, I get consumed by rushes and drives to follow and read about certian concepts and ideas from no where which usually end up stretching out over weeks and months come through endless successions of synchronicities, coincidences literally everywhere I look.
6. I have adult ADD “to a very marked degree” and still go to quarterly consults and I am prescribed stimulant meds for this.
7. I was diagnosed with MS in 2013.
8. I have said many many times in my life to a number of people, I just feel too much, more than other people, and if you could just take out my emotions in an instant and put them into somebody else they would simply not be able to cope it would literally burn them up inside. Then just tonight I read someone else on another site say the exact same thing almost word for word?
9. It seems my purpose, the driving force behind everything I do I motivated by love, looking for love, desiring wanting to give and receive love with just one special girl who can and wants to give me that which ive longed for. But it seems it was the 1 thing I was never meant to have. I am a true romantic. I love quickly and unconditionally. And when on the few times this has been compatible with a girl I have a distinct pattern of the situation failing spectacularly and my feelings shattered and it can take me years to get past it, if ever. I always feel betrayed horribly and im always honest about everything always even to my detriment.
10. I can pick a liar a mile away and I despise it. It makes me feel physically sick especially when they deny it.
11. I can not be in large crowds anymore its just to unsettling. I have completely withdrawn to my home in a remote area in the hills. Very tranquil and quiet. I only leave here when I have to.
12. I cant watch tv anymore.
13. My last 2 relationships have nearly destroyed me. Actually I think they have destroyed me. The first I was involved with and became engaged to a horrible narccist of the highest order. We had dated all the way back in high school, kids stuff, it ended, 15 years later she contacts me out of the blue and we start dating. 2.5 years later we are engaged and im selling my house and we are completing a joint plan to relocate until the pinnacle moment where she informs me that everything, the whole 2.5 Years was a fraud all fake she did it all for “revenge for the past” and she had no intention of moving and it was over. I still have no idea what I ever did to cause her tto want revenge? I loved her so much; (
14. Very recently I met someone, approached with caution but was in love again nearly immediatley and she with me. I explained myself and my needs and my story in detail and told her I needed her to understand I couldn’t absorb any furthef hurt like that. She seemed perfect and again was adamant she wanted me to propose. I took everything in me but I did and a week later she said she wasnt sure she was ready yet and I lost it.
14. I have a drive in me to fight for justice and what I just know is right.
15. Unfortunately I often turn to rec drugs to just not feel for a while. Anything to just shut it all up for just a while. Feeling for me has become pain. I always have love in my heart that is just burning through me like the sun but when that has no outlllet it becomes sour inside me and becomes toxic
16. I have a natural affinity with all animals and nature, especially dogs.
Well that’s enough but its also by no means a full list. Please help me Elaine. Im lost, heartbroken beyond belief and ive lost my purpose, my meaning, my life
Yes of COURSE you are an Empath. If you haven’t already, please get my books and read them asap! You can buy them all as one big volume called The Empath as Archetype, or you can buy all five separately starting with The Empath and the Archetypal Drama Triangle. Read them in order if you read them separately! The last book touches on dealing with a narcissist in a group or family system.
Given your past, you really really REALLY should consider working with a shaman for a year or so. Let’s get those wounds cleared, let’s learn some management so you aren’t overwhelmed by all the emotional energy and psychic energy around you, and let’s get you pointed in a good direction so you can have the loving relationship that you deserve!
Empaths have a lot to offer, but we make classic blunders because of our particular blindspots. Please do consider reading my books so you will have more knowledge, and also so you know that you are not alone in the world–in fact, there are lots of us out there experiencing the same things as you are. When we have no skill, or we don’t know what is happening to us, we suffer A LOT!! It doesn’t have to be this way.
Sending you big hugs, and don’t hesitate to ask me more questions here on the blog.
Hi Elaine there love the article.. My names Jessica. I am wondering though as I am an empath and im dating someone who is a narcissist we have a world of troubles. I love him though despite everything and I want to know is there any hope that if he sought help or is there anything he can do to change his narcissistic behaviours? Or is there a way for a empath and a narcissistic to ever be happy? I
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time in your relationship. It’s important to remember that narcissists are that way because they are wounded to such an extent that they cannot see your needs as important as their needs. You are a support person and role player in however way they think reality should work. Please keep that in mind. Yes, narcissists can get better–anyone can get better–if they do their personal work. But the key to any personal work is choosing it. It has to be self-motivated. Is there a way for an Empath and a Narcissist to be happy together? Hmmm. I would think of it this way. If you can be happy with someone who simply can’t make your needs as important as their own, then you have your answer. My advice to anyone who is wondering whether to stay in a relationship or not is to become aware of what you are choosing for yourself.
sending you big hugs!!
Hi Elaine, I’m currently reading all 5 of your volumes on the empath, thank you for the depth of your insights and valuable advice for healing. I’m curious if you are working on, and will be publishing books related to the father wound?
Thank you for your kind feedback about my books. I’m so glad they have been helpful for you. Yes, I’m planning another series of essays on shadow work and the father wound. I have a good deal of material–I’m trying to decide whether to incorporate it into the Shadow Work book that is already published and deals mainly with mother wound examples, or make it book six in the series. But yes, it is coming–probably in 2017 some time, depending on how organized I can be, and how many clients I have. Let me know if you have specific questions you would like answered in that book.
Thank you so much for Your reply. I’m really looking forward to reading Your next publication about the father wound. I thought that the different issues you presented in relation to the mother wound were very well covered, and it would be great to read a similar approach to the father wound. I know the enneagram quite well and discovered that my mom was a type 6 or a “fan” long before I read Your book, so I must admit that my jaw dropped as you described how a fan mother is often the typical pattern for fours, and their relationship. I could relate to every single description of that. Again, thank you so much Elaine, even though I have worked very hard for years to replace the anger of my moms behavoir ( or rather as I discovered through the Enneagram, her personality pattern as a type 6 personality) with compassion, I noticed reading your book that I still held some anger towards her, and Your book helped me release the little that was left and fully embrace my moms behavior/ pattern with deep compassion. I hope one day I will be able to do that fully with my father too. I even sat down with my mom and read to her from your book. It was very healing for us both. I send you a lot of love and good energy as a deep thank you for sharing your empath wisdom and healing abilities with others.
Oh, thank you for letting me know! It means a great deal to me that my writing was so helpful for you and your mother. It is totally understandable that you would still have some anger left toward your mother. As Empath Fours we relive the wound as if it is happening in the present whenever we remember, while other types move past an event quickly in comparison. This allows us to be motivated to avoid the same situation in the future, but it does have the drawback of making forgiveness more difficult to achieve. So please do give yourself a break on that. You sound very healthy and already well on your way. I’m glad my writing could validate what you already know!
Thank you for Your kind words Elaine 🙂 Your comment “As Empath Fours we relive the wound as if it is happening in the present whenever we remember” is something I have contemplated on these last days, and to my discovery I find that I have done that and still do it more often than I would like to without being aware of it when it happens. I would like to not fall into this pattern. I do yoga & meditation regularly, and have studied useful tools such as the enneagram which has helped me break many patterns, but this one persist. A last question: Would you have any advice to give empaths on this particular issue? Or have you written about it somewhere and it has slipped my attention? Love & Light
I think the best advice I can give is to just try to stay conscious when we remember a past injury that we tend to rewound ourselves. If we can remember by stepping back a bit, it will help us. If we can remember with a solution in mind for the future, it will help. And if we remember with the commitment to stay out of victim, that will also help. But this is a huge practice for Empaths, so do give yourself a break!
I have just stumbled across your website and would be interested to hear your take on something:
I am an empath and my previous relationship was a long one with a man who turned out to be a narcissist. I knew from the moment I met him that there was something troublesome about him, but I didn’t actually know what a narcissist was (I was young, naive and sheltered). By the time I realised what I was actually dealing with, I was stuck with him in an extremely unhealthy relationship for years.
I denied my ‘self’ because I had intuition about him and our relationship from the word go, but I doubted it and felt I was being ridiculous ‘pre-empting’ the future. I have had to forgive myself for that. I am still in the process of trying to understand and trust my judgement, psychic awareness and empathic senses again.
Fast forward to now. After the ending of that relationship by being eventually discarded by him without a word/closure, I took some time out to try to heal and process things. I then decided to attempt dating. After a few false starts that led nowhere, I met a man with whom I am now in a relationship (3 months so far). Generally things have been going quite well. He is communicative about the relationship/feelings and while quite different from me, he is open to listening to me and taking on board my thoughts about the relationship and working on himself too.
This past week I found out – as it came out in a conversation – that he is friends with/in contact with most of his ex-girlfriends and has a number of female friends. I have never been in a relationship before with someone who is friends with the majority of his ex-girlfriends. My narcisstic ex was friends with a lot of women and seemed to find it easier to make friends with women than men. At the time I never addressed it – I was not actually bothered by it per se as I felt confident that he was faithful and for a long time the majority of the girls were mutual friends of both of us so we socialised with them together. Eventually after some years he did cheat on me (not sure with whom or how many times etc… so may not have even been with one of the ones I knew about).
For me, this situation with the new boyfriend was a surprise and felt like a bit of a red flag. At the time, I just didn’t know how to react or what to think about it as it came out of left field and I had not thought about it before. I instantly reacted by trying to rationalise it. I told him that I do not feel comfortable telling him whether it’s okay or not – as in I am absolutely not the kind of person to tell someone else what to do in a relationship. I did say that I would like the other person (with whom I’m in a relationship) to set boundaries in their contact with others and to make the right choices out of respect for their significant other as I felt that is the responsibility of each party within a relationship.
I asked him what type of contact it was (did they hang out in person or what?) and he said that he just chats with them – but didn’t elaborate if that was on the phone, texting, or email etc. I told him that I was giving him my trust about it at this point in time. I didn’t actually hash out the finer details with him over what the boundaries are, what the frequncy of his contact is and so on. I did say I felt that personally I would not write to my one male friend anything that I wouldn’t be happy for everyone else to read – sort of showing him that this is my boundary. When I asked him how many exes are we talking about, he said he hadn’t counted yet! The fact he didn’t actually answer the question and deflected only served to increase my discomfort. One thing I have identified is that I feel uncomfortable with the 1-to-1 nature of it and the fact that these women are conversing with him in presumably a private manner so there is essentially no accountability for either parties. It flies in the face of my cultural and religious upbringing, so perhaps my discomfort relates to that? I do believe that I cannot make someone be trustworthy and faithful to me – I don’t want to make anyone do anything that they don’t naturally want to do.. It really goes against my core beliefs. I don’t see any advantage to telling someone: no you can’t be friends with them anymore (if you want to be in a relationship with me) as that seems so insecure and controlling. Plus, I don’t think it would stop cheating (emotional or physical).
Since then I had a bit of a crisis trying to gauge what I think. I felt completely unsettled about it. This was worsened by PMS/time of the month and I found myself crying about it on and off for three days! I couldn’t/can’t figure out if it is because of bringing issues from my past (being cheated on and the pathological lying of my ex), which this revelation triggered, or if it is empathic sensing that there is or could be potentially more to this ‘contact’ with these women than meets the eye. I have become somewhat numb now – shut down/protective mode I guess. I haven’t spoken to him about it further as I want to address it face to face and to be clear about what I am trying to say! I have read regular relationship advice that suggests a man being friendly with his ex-girlfriends is healthy plus that it shows that the relationships didn’t end for bad reasons etc. So here I am now, asking you about it.
Thank you for reading – sorry it is so long!
I’m so sorry you are recovering from a relationship with a narcissist. That can be very traumatic, and yes, it can give you a lens that can distort future relationships. You are doing a good job questioning yourself whether this distortion is in play with your current relationship, or whether all is well. I agree that trying to tell him how to behave with his ex girlfriends can be controlling and isn’t a good sign for the relationship. You want to be able to trust your partner.
The question is, do you trust him? You haven’t known him for very long, so the healthy answer is that he hasn’t earned that trust as yet. That takes experience and getting to know this person well. And that also takes communication. Does he know about your previous relationship and how that traumatized you? You really should discuss how you are feeling, what your worries are, and what he can do to be sensitive to your past. I think that is a great place to start.
Also, you should look back on your own past and make sure that you don’t have an ingrained pattern with men of setting yourself up to be betrayed. Was the relationship with the narcissist a one time thing or have similar (maybe not as severe) relationships with men happened before? Does it remind you of relationships with father figures or authority figures? You want to make sure that there isn’t something on the subconscious level setting you up for difficult relationships. If that isn’t actually going on, that is great! You just need to concentrate on healing from the old relationship with the narcissist.
I highly recommend doing shamanic energy work for this. Many people have soul loss from being in relationships with narcissists. Please check out the essays on my website for more information.
Let me know if you have questions!
Hi again Elaine!
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I feel better than I did when I wrote that message. I am feeling more peaceful about the situation even though I still wish to address it with him.
You are correct about the trust aspect. I was thinking about that recently and I realised that in previous relationships I went in with trust… I just gave them trust and then dealt with the outcome if they abused that. Since the Narc relationship, I am not able to do that. Perhaps a good thing, as I probably shouldn’t have been so blindly trusting previously!
The new boyfriend is aware of the Narc relationship and the impact it is still having on me. Extremely early on in the relationship, something he did triggered me and we had to deal with that situation. It brought it fully out into the open and shocked me! I realised then that no matter how much ‘work’ I did on myself, being in a relationship with another man was going to cause me to do even more as it triggered old memories and reactions etc.
I was then embarrassed as I felt I was bringing so much ‘baggage’ with me. Society tries to teach us we shouldn’t bring it with us into new relationships and I was scared he would judge me for it. I was open with him about that, and he has reacted extremely well which I took to be a good sign. He was not scared off, and said that we are all the sum of our previous relationships and experiences, so expecting someone to come to you with no ‘baggage’ is pretty unrealistic.
We also talked about trust and how my previous abusive relationship has completely eroded my ability to trust without that trust having been earnt. He said, from his perspective, that he is aware that I will take a time to build trust with him and he is absolutely on board with that process. For me, the process seems harder or more clouded by the empath element. Rather than just taking everything at face value, I get all the added information in the form of sensing/knowing and feeling. So I am having to work extra hard to decipher that and to be very honest with myself about whether how I am deciphering and interpreting is being affected by that Narc relationship.
It almost seems that I have to trust myself again first – my judgement and to understand what I am feeling (whether it is my own or that of someone else) – before I can trust someone else.
I don’t have a history of abusive relationships aside from that one, but I do think I tend to over ‘give’ to my significant other. I guess I seek approval, which I think stems from my relationship with my father. He set up a foundation for both my sister and I that any attention and approval we got from him stemmed from our pleasing him (usually academically/career-wise). He does not share emotions or outward displays of love and affection with us.
In my opinion, as girls/women our role model for a male/female relationship is seriously flawed. I used to find this upsetting and disappointing. Eventually, as I have grown older, I can see the human being (sort of separate from my father), and I believe he is dissociated (I think that’s how you would term it) as he is completely unaware of his own behaviour and emotions and the impact they have on others. I am still working on accepting him for who he is, and not continuing to want or seek the father I would have liked (someone who was emotionally open and able to accept us for who we are). I have come a long way with that, but I still need to work on it.
Unfortunately my only other male role model, his father, was likely a narcissist himself – there was definitely something wrong there and with his treatment of hs wife. Within that family there was a marked absence of love/affection and outward displays of emotion etc. It is interesting to note that my sister also found herself in an abusive relationship (marriage) with a narcissist! We both are working very hard on ourselves to break this pattern.
As I am conscious of the impact my male role model has on my relationship with men, I am becoming more aware of how I must assert my own needs and boundaries. I have been brainstorming what I want to say to my boyfriend and creating a plan of what we should discuss surrounding this situation with the ex-girlfriends and female friends.
I feel I need more information from him as to what exactly is the nature of these interactions. If I can establish that, I feel I can create an openness and transparency that would assist me to stop second guessing and imagining all sorts. I think he needs to be held accountable for answering – rather than deflecting and diverting – my questions regarding these women/friendships. Maybe he feels uncomfortable with being honest/open about it because he fears I will react badly or judge him for the number of women, or else he has an issue himself with the number of women and doesn’t even realise it. I think there is something there, which I want to explore with him as I would like to get it out in the open and move on.
I also need to create agreed boundaries with him regarding our interaction with the oppposite sex in general going foward so that everything is really clear… That way I think I could be okay with him continuing to interact with them, while still honouring my own needs.
Regarding the shamanic energy work, I will definitely check out your essays and look into it. I feel at a turning point, with so much promise of moving forward in my life. Anything that can aid me in that process I am really up for!
Love and light
I’ve just read The Empath and the Archetypal Drama Triangle, Book 1, and am wondering how I can apply it to my life.
I had to exit my job six years ago due to an injury and once I healed myself, I started temping because I couldn’t find a permanent job. I was doing admin work in several hospitals and was liked at first then bullied by someone in the nursing staff where I had worked originally no matter where I took a new temp position in the hospital. So I sort of said to myself that the hospital was the problem (there is a lot of bullying and discrimination there) and took a job in another hospital working with managers lower on the rung than the nurses. That was so much better but I recognize that I was working in a room that could get very loud and knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it long term. Mostly it was fine but at the end, it’s possible that I was sending them some bad psychic energy in defense.
So then I took two other non-hospital jobs and there was a bullying element there too with both the managers in the workplace and my agencies who placed me there once I was asked to leave early. One agency had the nerve to say I wasn’t qualified when I’d been doing that work for years. I know the manager probably just said that to get a discount on a bill or something but for the agency to buy into that and yell at me was ridiculous. I couldn’t take it personally but at the same time I couldn’t work with that agency again.
Since then I’ve learned I am an empath (I have known I”m an HSP for years) and how to manage my energy better visually by releasing it and being a conduit for it to pass through. I’ve also recognized that I’ve been in many workplaces where I’ve had bullying issues throughout my career but I would usually work through them and sometimes even stay for a long time past those incidents. I know that I likely learned how to be a victim with my family first and I even recall one of my brothers saying I always play the victim. Well, probably because that’s all I knew. He probably is one of the ones who taught me that. I refuse to go to the bullying side and treat people that way which is something that may be expected in an office atmosphere.
So I have been reticent to put myself out there for work with those agencies and really all agencies because I realize this is an issue. I have been ‘hiding out’ a bit doing dog walking and sitting but it does not pay the bills and I can’t even afford to buy the rest of your books which I’m more than excited to read. I haven’t been able to find a PT job to go with the dog care work as of yet & I’ve tried applying for many other types of jobs. I’ve worked my entire life since I was 16 so this lapse in working has caused a bit of turmoil for me. I am very proud of my financial independence. I’ve had to ask for assistance from various places and it does not feel good. It makes me feel like I’m slipping into the victim mode. If I ask from family, sometimes I’ve gotten chewed out at the same time which is not helpful in getting me back on track. It just makes me feel disempowered. So I’m at a place where I don’t want to ask for help any longer, I want to find a job that works, but apparently slipping back into the victim mode is something I do. Now I do feel when things become unequitable to me in relationships so there is hope. And I’ve called into Sonia Choquette’s radio show and she said I am not blocked from finding work. I just need to find something fun and creative to do with myself rather than what I had been doing. She said to expect this new job and soon. She said my higher guidance is blocking me from some jobs because it wants me to go in a different direction. So meanwhile I have very little money and am looking for a job but could use just a little bit of an extra motivation. Is there any advice you have for me in how to stay out of these entanglements or is there a section of the first book that I should focus on that would help? It just seems like putting my two feet back into many office situations is going to get me entangled again and I’m tired of having my energy compromised although when I’m there, I just want to help the people I’m working with. I know that I automatically want to learn everything when I walk in the door & become too identified with the organization. Am I going to do much better now that I’ve figured out how to work with energy and just being aware of the empath archetype? If I had the cash, I would start a second business to go with the dog care work but I really don’t have the resources to even get this dog care thing off the ground properly. Thanks so much for reading.
Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. Yes, it does sound like you get stuck in Victim mode, which remember will naturally draw in Bullies and Rescuers just because of that Archetypal vibration. The way out of this is to catch yourself when you are in Victim. That means watch for any feelings and thoughts of helplessness, hopelessness, feelings of being trapped, and thoughts of how “if only it were like this I’d do this”. Those are all from archetypal victim–the last one is Victim of Circumstances. When you find yourself there, remind yourself that you don’t want to be on the Drama Triangle, and you are going to make yourself responsible for your choices and actions, no matter what.
It also sounds like doing temp work isn’t really what you are meant to do. It pays the bills, but kills your soul. Instead of identifying with the new organization and putting yourself in service to it, how about identifying with your soul and what It wants, and serving your soul instead? Imagine putting all your energy into THAT rather than into an organization that you would like to take care of you financially (which in a large way is asking that organization to Rescue you.) I think that with this change in perspective your creativity will be able to come forth. (Remember that operating from the Drama Triangle is extremely boring and uncreative–the outcomes are totally predictable) and perhaps your vibration will change enough to attract in the new job that is much better for you all the way around.
I hope that makes sense. Let me know if you have questions, and keep me posted.
I have always felt *different* and had experiences. But I was raised by an abusive mother, with help from her very loving but very conservative Christian parents. I believe I am HSP and an empath. This is all very new to me, and reading about it has felt like a big “ah-ha!” moment. I wish I could afford to do a training or work with someone, but I simply can’t. What should I do? I’m still sort of in the “am I really an empath?” zone, reading a lot and doubting myself so much. What do you say to people who are awakening to these things about themselves? Thank you so much <3
Would you like to do email support? It’s inexpensive compared to training or one-on-one personal work–$25 per week. Let me know. I’d be happy to mentor you that way. I’ve also published a five book series you can purchase that talks about being an Empath and the healing work most Empaths come up against. Also, Elaine Aron has written several books on HSP’s that were helpful when I was starting out.
That might be good, although since I’m so new to this, I’m a little nervous about letting “strangers” in, if that makes sense. I’m always wary of people I don’t know because I’ve been in some awful situations where I’ve been blindsided by people who I thought were my friends. It especially happens with women who are older than I am, maybe because of the junk with my mom? She has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (or at least, has never admitted to having it, though I have a suspicion that she was probably diagnosed after she was hospitalized following a suicide attempt).
I’m kind of afraid of “wasting” resources trying to figure this stuff out if it turns out I’m wrong and I’m not an empath, though it would surprise me if I’m not. I’m a stay at home mom, so I feel guilty using money for things that are just for me. Even as I’m typing this, though, I’m thinking about how beneficial it would be for my three kids if I get this stuff figured out. I live in a state of constant overwhelm and I know they feel it.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the wounding from dealing with your mom has created problems with your women friends That is very common. Have you read my books yet? I talk about how this happens in the shamanic energy work book (book 2).
I understand how you do not want to waste resources, but yes, as you say, working on yourself will ripple outward and have a good effect on the people around you.
If you would like to do email support for free, we can do that through my blog (as we are doing right now) but this is a public forum, so anyone can see it. We would set up a separate blog post, and then you can have your questions answered there, but I may not answer right away. Private email support is just between us and costs $25 per week. If you do want to continue, please contact me via my webcontact from, and we will go from there.
Came across your ‘Intuitive and Introverted Withdrawal Pattern’ article and had a moment of ‘THAT’s IT!’ when I read it. Thank you! I am going through something with my introvert partner of 7 months. (We are both in our 40’s, I am an ISFJ) Only have I realized in the last month how introverted he is (and what exactly that means) – because he has crashed and burned by not recognizing his need for alone time. I was oblivious to this need and continued accepting the boundless amount of time and energy he was giving me. I love it – but don’t require it. I believe he has completely exhausted himself …. has now withdrawn and is now unsure of ‘us’. I hear the things he’s saying to me – am respectful and understanding of what he is saying, but trying to also show that what he is doing is ‘what he does’. I have told him that I am not giving up on us, that we have something beautiful, and that this is just a ‘blip’. His withdrawal was sudden – within a few days he went from full fledge relationship to crickets – no explanation. We have a good connection, have not had raging arguments and an otherwise healthy relationship. We are respectful to each other and when he has asked to do his own thing there was never any remorse or guilt on my end. When we did finally speak he told me he wasn’t ‘sure’ what he wants, questions himself and his ability to be in a relationship, etc. I have been giving him his space – we’ve only spoken a few times over the last few weeks. There are a number of points in your article that explain exactly what he is doing. My question .. is there a way for me to help him through not withdrawing and walking away from this relationship but rather to embrace the love we have for eachother and where that can take us. To take the risk despite fear or uncertainty and work together on finding the balance. To show him that he is withdrawing because it’s easy, not the solution.
I’m so sorry you’ve come up against the introverted intuitive’s withdrawal pattern, but I’m glad I could shed some light on what may be going on internally for your partner. It’s great that you are giving him space, and that you are honoring the relationship. Have you considered forwarding him a link to the essay? Another good resource is Elaine Aron’s work on the Highly Sensitive Person and how we are simply wired differently than everyone else. The best way to get around these patterns is to be conscious that there is a pattern involved, and that it doesn’t have to play out the way it usually plays out. Being able to spot the behavior means there’s a better chance of being able to choose a different action. It also means that your partner would need to choose self-care earlier, and would need to remember not to give all of himself to the relationship–to save some of that energy for himself, and to let you give back to him, too. You are introverted as well, so you understand the need for downtime. Let me know what you think and if you have more questions.
Thank you Elaine – i will read the essay you referenced. I most definitely have considered (and want to) forward him the essay. Though I am highly aware of his need for space and don’t want to push to much at him. Our last contact was only yesterday where I said almost exactly what your essay describes. From the conversations we’ve had i don’t think the women he’s been with in the past have been very appreciative or respectful of him. From the moment we met he has commented on how easy going I am and that he loves that about me. I sometimes wonder if he doesn’t know what to do with that? His sudden shift happened not long after we had introduced each other to our children (a month ago), and then to my family (he went silent on me two days after that). He admitted the pressure and stress of what that meant, was concerned about what that meant for a future (jumping ahead to does that mean we would move in together, etc), indicating his attraction to me had lessened, etc. I could see in his face this stuff just eating him up inside and it breaks my heart because it doesn’t need to. He has admitted that he is perfectly content being alone so I fear that this decision of his is final and that there is no going back. Honestly – I feel that knowing now what I now of his personality and what we need to do we can have a very strong and healthy future together. I just don’t know how to convey that to him and make him see that.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that the pressure of meeting family was a big stressor for him. It sounds like there’s something more than just being an introverted intuitive going on. I’m curious how willing he was to meet your children and extended family in the first place. Was he excited? Was he going along just to get along? Was his own original family experience supportive? Do his kids support him dating someone else? It can get so complicated when there’s all these other people suddenly involved—Just that can make an introvert run away. If he’s also conflict adverse, that just adds another layer. If there’s a past trauma on top of that–well that would need to be addressed, too. I hope your guy comes around! Do give him lots of space and sympathy. Sending hugs!
Your work sounds so very powerful and intriguing! I have tried many, many things (thousands!) in a long lifetime of chronic illness and mind body spirit searching, and as a powerful psychic counselor myself, but have gotten only worse with severe illness on many levels. How would I know if you could help me or not? Finances are quite severely strapped as a person disabled by illness to the point of not working for years. I cannot undertake a new process that will use more of my limited funds if it will not create a deep, thorough healing shift that is sustainable enough for me to carry on with self-healing through a new lease on life (I have lost much or most of my will to do self-care processes that used to be my core). Thank you for your kind time and response!
Thanks so much for contacting me. Shamanic work is powerful–have you read some of the case studies on my website? Poke around and see if this resonates with you. If it does, because you are strapped for cash right now, contact the Four Winds Society and see if they have a student or a recent graduate that is willing to work at a low fee or for free. I hope it works out for you!