Creating Good Boundaries with My Partner and with Others

In a previous comment around taking on other people’s energy, Jenna asked how I turn off taking on my husband’s energy. Believe me, this is still a work in progress!!

The first step is to become aware that I am taking on his energy in the first place. Many times, I get so wrapped up in processing his stuff, that I don’t realize it is his and not mine. If I can get my head above water, I’ll ask myself, is this my drama? The biggest clue for me that I’m processing my husband’s stuff is that I can’t resolve it on my own.

For me, usually I can resolve my own conflicts, inner and outer, very quickly, because I don’t mind conflict. But, when I’m processing another’s stuff, it doesn’t work out gracefully and causes problems like suddenly jumping into things that aren’t really my business. So, if the “stuff” sticks around, I’ve learned to ask, “Is this really mine?” Especially if I start thinking all sorts of weird thoughts towards people that I wouldn’t usually have a problem with.

Very recently I discovered that I was carrying around my husband’s anger that he was holding toward certain people in his familiy. For him, he’s been taught/programmed that feeling anger, especially toward them, is not acceptable. For me, I come from a family that is not afraid of conflict, and in fact probably over-expresses their anger sometimes. 😉 However, because I’m not afraid of anger, and I have a healer’s energy system, I’ll gladly take on unconsciously whatever anger my husband doesn’t want to deal with.

When I figured out interaction out, I used a shamanic technique to send the anger/emotions back to my husband. I set the intention to collect all the energy that belonged to him that was not mine, and then I blew it back into his second chakra. My poor husband immediately felt anger. By my refusing to process it for him, he’s starting the uncomfortable task of being in conflict and resolving his conflicts in a healthy way. He’s also now learning to be comfortable with having the emotion in the first place, and learning what belief system and what woundings have come along with his anger. It’s a huge task.

Also, for the example where I had the symptoms of food poisoning the day after he did, I knew I was susceptible to taking on his stuff, and I set the intention to not take it on. Unfortunately I still did! But, another thing that we can do, if we feel that we are taking stuff on physically, is to put it into the symbollic or the mythic plane instead of our physical bodies. Many times I’ll tune into a client, and tune into all their physical symptoms. One thing I can do instead is draw a tarot card and see symbollically what is going on with them if I know that they are experiencing heavy symptoms so my own body will not have to go through the same thing.

Mostly, though, it is the intention to not process for the other, and to stay aware when I’m doing so. It takes practice!!


This entry was posted in Boundaries, Emotions, Empathy, Energy Healing, Relationships, Vibes and Hits. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Creating Good Boundaries with My Partner and with Others

  1. Julie Plenty says:

    Hello Elaine

    That issue of setting boundaries has emerged for me once again. I’m realising where my boundaries have been breached by over zealous family members and where I breach my own boundaries via feeling powerless and helpless and lack of self care. Using EFT to neutralize any unsafe feelings re: setting boundaries verbally and/or physically.

    I came across this article on a website and it states that boundaries aren’t boundaries if they’re driven by negative energy, anger, judgement etc (see:

    There are times when I only recognise that my boundaries have been breached through because I feel angry, although I guess it doesn’t mean that I set them in anger.

    Also occurred to me that different cultures have different ideas on what constitutes appropriate boundaries. When I went travelling in south east Asia (Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Bali), the concept of personal space is very different and sometimes it felt as though it didn’t exist at all!

    I can never forget buying a ticket in Singapore to go on a day trip. As I paid for my ticket at the ticket booth, there was a group of Singaporean youths practically breathing down my neck! It didn’t feel dangerous, but it felt really uncomfortable and I felt spaced out. I didn’t say anything at the time for fear of offending them.

    I’ve been in supermarkets where people behind me in the queue have really crowded me out as my shopping has gone through and on more than one occasion actually had to tell them to back off.

    I’m of African Caribbean heritage, born and brought up in the UK and it seems to me that the concept of personal boundaries is very different in non Anglo Saxon cultures and as an intuitive I find negotiating boundaries that honour and respect me very challenging in a culture that has a looser form of boundary than I would like.

  2. Administrator says:

    Hi Julie,

    What an interesting point about personal space and boundaries given our different cultures. I’ve noticed that, too. For me, I’ve also noticed that I do not have the same body language that most Americans do. It seems like Americans like looking each other in the eye, and standing face to face. I hardly ever do that—I try to avoid too much eye contact. The reason for this is some people seem to try to get past my psychic boundaries in that way.

    Also, I try not to stand face to face but at a slight angle so my chakras don’t line up with the other person’s chakras, or I find we’re just exchanging too much information and energy. It can be really funny to watch people try to line up with me. Then I find myself crossing my legs and my arms or swivelling in my chair. Very interesting!

    Regarding boundaries as walls—Yes, sometimes setting a wall is more of an attack or a defense attack, and really isn’t a healthy boundary because it doesn’t allow us to be flexible. But, a good sign that my boundaries are being violated (or that I’m letting them be violated) is that I get angry. As long as I don’t knee-jerk react with anger, I can usually catch myself and state my needs clearly, or simply walk away from the situation without causing anyone damage.

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