Hello Everyone!
It is very strange to me that August is already here, and ironic since at the end of the month I am hosting a workshop all about stepping into Timelessness. Time seems to have sped up for many of us with all our obligations and our busy lives. Stepping into Timelessness isn’t just useful for relieving ourselves from the busy-ness of life, it is also useful for stepping out of Drama.
We Empaths can get stirred up with our own internal Drama after we’ve made a decision, especially if the decision is a firm No to someone who is stuck in Drama themselves. I had the opportunity recently to work with a client who was prone to Drama, and then to see how stepping into Timelessness can stop the Drama right in Its tracks.
My client had been in a years-long friendship with another Empath who happened to be stuck in Victim. This person had managed to blow little innocent incidents into hurtful, unnecessary Dramas with various people in her life. After one incident too many involving my client’s spouse, my client and her spouse finally and firmly ended the relationship. Of course, her friend found her unreasonable and unforgiving, and since this friend was stuck in Victim, considered my client a Bully and attacked her verbally. All her own Shadow issues of jealousy and envy had been projected onto my client in one vicious last swoop. My client already knew these issues were in play, but had hoped her friend had managed to get control of it and would take responsibility. But this friend didn’t. It was easy to see that this friend was dangerously carrying around a metaphorical loaded shotgun, and was unconscious to the harm she did to others firing it off whenever her own stuff was triggered. My client was relieved to let the friendship end, and she was also surprised by how free she felt afterwards. (This is a typical feeling once we’ve given up a vampire relationship.)
Predictably the former friend wanted to repair the relationship, and she contacted my client once or twice. My client very wisely ignored her. She simply wasn’t interested anymore–her freedom, and the relief of friends around her was too valuable. (She didn’t realize how much discomfort this friend had been causing in other lives until they confided in her afterwards.)
Naturally the Victim friend pulled in a Rescuer who was identified with Rescuing women who had put themselves in dire straights. This Rescuer was doing his personal work so he could become an energyworker himself. However, like many people who feel called to the healing arts, he had to work on his tendency to Rescue, and on his identification with being a Light Worker. As many of you know from reading my blog and my books, shaman are not Light Workers. Shaman can help assist others in owning the projections of their Shadows so that they can create lives that they want instead of what they create out of their Shadows.
My client had the talent of being the social glue for people she loved, so excluding anyone from her life was very hard for her to do, which was of course why she allowed this former friendship to continue for so long in the first place. The former friend was missing out on community events my client hosted on a regular basis. The Rescuer saw this and wanted to help. He contacted my client and told her that this relationship was in need of deep healing, and if she was willing to do the work, then this former friend could be included once again. Luckily for my client she saw the Rescue right away and didn’t turn into a Bully and lambast him for interfering where he didn’t belong. She simply told him that No, she wasn’t interested, and in fact there were others that would be negatively affected too, and she didn’t want to lose their company either, so No. The Rescuer in this situation was very disappointed–he unconsciously thought to not only Rescue the former friend who held the Victim story, but to Rescue the friendship as well. He thought that of course if you are doing your personal work, all relationships could be healed. (This is a very common faulty belief.)
For my client she found the incident amusing at first, because she knew this man was working hard on his Rescuer tendency, but she had also taken on the Rescuer’s surprise and disappointment at her firm No. (Remember, if you are stuck in Rescuer, it’s hard to see others clearly–everyone is either a Victim or a Bully.) In her head she started defending herself and her position, she started going over what exactly had happened in the past to cause her to break off the relationship with the Victim, she started getting annoyed and angry at the Rescuer for breaking boundaries and approaching her when he didn’t even know her. In short, she spun out into her own internal Drama–internal because she was wise enough not to act on it, but she was suffering anyway. (If you are an Empath, you understand our tendency to slip into this type of suffering.)
The solution for her was to do a sandpainting and let Mother Earth transform it, and then she stepped into Timelessness. Sitting next to her sandpainting, a hummingbird came and hovered in front of her face for a few moments, reminding her to step outside of time, drink only from the deepest nectar of life, and remember that life is in these precious nows. Then the Drama was done, and she could laugh at the situation again. Every person has their Shadow to work on–she could go back to being compassionate to everyone involved, including herself, without having to get back into a literal relationship with anyone stuck in Drama. What a relief!
If you related to this story, and you would like to learn how to step into Timelessness, there is still time (haha!) to register for the Raven Portal Workshop taught by my mentor, Marv Harwood, and his wife, Shanon in Portland from Friday evening August 24th through Sunday the 26th. Just contact me or visit the homepage of my website: www.elainelajoie.com
much love,
Elaine
What a great post. I can really relate to this!
In my life I am examining how to act from a place of self-respect, self compassion and self- protection. I just don’t interact with some people anymore, (including voices in my own head that tell me terrible things that I used to believe).
I basically ignore the voices, and the people too. Or sometimes I will stick up for myself outloud, by saying positive affirmations.
The thing is, I’ve often feared ignoring people, or ending relationships, (after realizing they are not good for me) thinking something bad will happen to me . There is lot out there, that tells us that we need to be careful what we send out, because it will come back. I can understand this, but what if we send out “I have compassion for you, I forgive you, but you are not welcome in my life because it just does not feel right to me. I wish you well”
Recently I got caught up in internal drama and nostalgia and paranoia which led me to re-instigate a connection. I quickly regretted it. I ended up doing a sandpainting even though it didn’t make sense to the mind. I had to find compassion for that part of me that just wants to love everybody because it feels like…I’m cutting somebody out of my heart, who contributed to my story somehow. Or in the past, it was, just sheer paranoia (like in childhood). It felt safer to stay friends with everyone. People who were abusive, and people who were kind. It’s like this need to be approved of by everyone at all costs.
Many say that we must send love to everyone, and forgive everyone, because if we don’t, something bad will happen to us. Are things really this black and white?
How do we hold our boundaries strong and clear, while not sending out negative vibes to anyone. Especially those we’ve had histories of drama with?
What is all this stuff about forgiving out enemies and turning the other cheek!?
Also, in the body-talk communities, they explain that we must make friends with all aspects of ourselves, have full acceptance of something (including diseases, etc).
There seems to be a lot of confusion with this stuff….regarding ideas of Oneness, and such.
Thanks for this blog post!
Dear Mary,
You ask some very good questions that many of us Empaths struggle with, especially if we’ve grown up in a chaotic home. Many of us become intuitive because we are trying to make sense of the chaos, anticipate chaos, and navigate to save ourselves from repeating the situation. What can commonly happen is that we learn poor boundaries and poor energetic boundaries with others, and then become confused about when it’s OK to simply say No to someone.
It can be very confusing to learn to act in a way that is compassionate and protective of ourselves when we’ve grown up in Drama. Drama tends to invite battles with others, so when we set limits, we anticipate a battle because we haven’t been allowed to set limits without it. Then naturally we feel bad when things play out and we are made the bad guy. (Which happens to everyone stuck on the Drama Triangle) We end up living in a state of perpetual stress and anxiety.
However, if we aren’t on the Drama Triangle, and we allow ourselves to have permission to say a simple no, without justification, without the fuel of Drama, and without feeling guilty, decisions become so much easier. We allow the other person to do what they do, think what they think, and act the way they want to act without taking any of it so personally.
Now this isn’t easy for Empaths to do; it’s a practice. And we have to give ourselves a break, because if we’ve grown up in chaos, or with a narcissist who doesn’t care or is in denial about their impact on others, we’ve become used to being manipulated. We might have even been told we are controlling when we set a boundary because we are denying the narcissist what he/she wants to do that impacts us negatively.
We can be manipulated by the old trick of being told you’re going to be punished if you aren’t nice. Mary, you are completely correct when you say to someone, this isn’t good for me, you go your way, I’ll go mine. That is neutral and kind. You don’t have to explain or justify yourself, especially if you’ve had enough experience with the person to know that they cannot get it even if you bothered to explain. Now, some relationships are close enough and growing enough to talk things through, but this isn’t always the case.
Forgiveness happens within–it’s not necessary to have the other person to interact with in order to forgive. Forgiveness means letting yourself off the hook for having been Victimized. If we live from the Archetypal role of Victim, we can never be free. Yes, the incident did happen, but can we see it from the non-personal, get what we need out of it as far as our life lessons go, and then move on? When we are in that perspective it is also much easier to see the other person’s imprints and wounds as well, and to see that they are most likely just acting out of their crap. That doesn’t mean we put up with it, especially if they aren’t willing or able to own their projections, but it means we don’t have to take it personally. And remember, Empaths tend to take things very personally.
I would also give yourself a break about sending out negative vibes. You are human. You get to make the same mistakes and errors as the rest of us. If you say No to someone without the need to explain, justify, feel guilt, feel anger, feel indignation, then there’re no negative vibes. If you do feel that way, just try to be conscious and send it to mother earth. But let’s be clear, we are human, and some things are emotion-inducing given our expectations of others, etc. Take responsibility for the emotions as soon as you can, but don’t think that you have to be completely reaction free, especially when you are just getting started in this practice.
Let me know if that helps, or if you still have questions. This is a very big topic, and there is a lot of confusion around it.
much love,
Elaine